Loving me

I feel like I’ve changed a lot with everything that has been happening to me lately. Though I’m really conscious with my turning of age by November! I know I’ve matured so much because of the big turning point in my life. With our break-up, I was push to change. I was push to live on my own.

I never thought I would make it. He has always been with me everyday. Back then, living without him is impossible. He was my world that’s why when he left me, everything fell apart. I don’t know where I should go from there. I don’t know how to live without him. I was so lost. I kept on blaming myself thinking that all of it was my fault. I lost hope – the hope that someone would not love me anymore because my I have a monster attitude. But that’s all in the past and its crap. The most important person that could love me is – ME.

I’ve been thinking about listing down all the attitudes I’ve identified that is wrong with me. Not because I want to put down myself but because I want to be proud and tell myself, “Hey! I already improve on that!”

1. Dependent – I used to be dependent on everyone especially my mom and him. But after my Melbourne trip, I became a changed person. I became independent. The trip was really a blessing to me because I’ve learned to be independent. I’ve learned to do chores on my own, from cooking, laundry, ironing of clothes, buying raw foods in the market, and just being on my own. My exposure to a different race also helped a lot because I’ve become much more confident with people. I also learned to shop my stuffs on my own and dine by myself. It’s a huge change – a good one. I’m loving the independence I have in me right now.

2. Stubborn – I’m a brat. My parents and him used to follow me all around. If I want this thing, I need to get it even if that thing is a person. And I get it all the time. If I didn’t get it, I get frustrated and mad. However, with everything that had happened, I’ve learned that I can’t get everything. Not everything is about me and is for me. If that thing/person is really for me, it will eventually be with me because God made it for me. I really believe on that and having that faith in God that He will give me the best of the world, my stubbornness has decreased to a huge amount.

3. Selfishness – Since I’m a brat, I want all things to be favorable for me. If its not favorable for me, I wouldn’t do it or I would just participate slightly. I used to think for myself first before others. I am really selfish. If the opinion of a person is not favorable for me or I don’t like it, I wouldn’t listen, I would argue and insist on my own. I also don’t now how to compromise and apologize. However, things had changed. Now, I listen first to the person and if he/she needs anything from me that I can give, I would give it or if he/she is talking, I listen intently first and weigh on the response I should give that would be helpful for the person. I’m much focus on the needs of other now especially my family and close friends. Whenever I felt that I said something wrong, I apologize and admit my mistakes. It’s a much more rewarding feeling to serve others first before yourself.

The only things left is my being impulsive, impatient and needy for a man. I know I have many attitudes to change, those above needs to be continuously developed and improved. But right now, I’m so proud of myself of what I had become. ^.^

What goes around comes around

He cheated on me after all. I thought all along that he respected me that much that he broke up with me first before being with that girl but we were all fooled. Me, my family, his family, our friends – we were all fooled. If it wasn’t for our huge fight, he would still be with me and I’ll be fooled all along by them. God is good because He didn’t let that happened. He triggered that fight which led to our break-up which was good because God doesn’t want me to be fooled. Even though I’ve cheated on him back then, I made up for all of it during the last 3 years were together. But I guess this is God’s punishment for me for all the pain I’ve caused him even though I was really sorry for all of it.

But still, I pity him. I pity him for what he has become, what he is now and whose with him now. He aged a lot. He doesn’t even look happy now not because I’m bitter or anything. I know his happy face. Why wouldn’t I know, I’ve been with him for 7 years. I’m just sad that he turned out to be like that. He turned out to be the person he said he wouldn’t be. By the looks of them, only the girl is happy not him. I just wish that he wouldn’t regret leaving me. Leaving what we had, leaving all our dreams together. I will definitely not take him back.

I’m proud of myself because I somehow made it. Even though I’m single right now, I’m still happy. Though of course sometimes, loneliness strikes but I manage. I just cry and let it pass. Its better this way than being with someone I know I’m not contented. Someone I always push to change, someone who can’t control me, someone who doesn’t motivate me and push me to change, someone who can’t decide for himself, someone who doesn’t have plan for us, someone whose a cheater. He’s not I want all along. I want someone who will really love me, motivate me, support me, help me to improve on myself and my endeavors, care for me, make sweet surprises, not deceive me and someone who will be with me forever. I deserve the best. I know God has one for me. ๐Ÿ™‚